Dark Shades of Daylight

Pull yourself together Girl!

I'm not a pair of curtains

That makes dark shades of daylight

Then reveals a brand new woman

This poem was inspired by the #orjay prompt in the title. The words immediately made me think of depression.

I have had depression for a great deal of my life. I have written about the reasons in Prison Without Bars. I can only manage to feel happy for minutes. Probably a couple of hours at the most. It is as though I am always expecting my equanimity to be pulled out from under me. I really don't believe that I have the right to be happy.

The few times I have tried to talk about it with "close" friends, I have often had the response "Pull yourself together". After all, what did I have to be miserable about? As a child at home, my surroundings were always very comfortable. I ate the best food, had everything I wanted (including 100s of books that I escaped into) and had holidays at fantastic destinations.

I married very young, to a man who had to control everything I did. We even moved abroad to make sure I was away from everything familiar. I had 2 children with him, and by that time he had grown bored and I was sent home while he stayed there with the soon-to-be next wife.

I married again. This time to what I thought was a nice, kind, laidback man who would never hurt me, not realising that this aspect of his personality was down to his drug of choice. I had another child and slowly things changed. Thus began the worst chapter of my entire life to date and one that I won't go into here. But at the very end, I had a complete breakdown.

For a few weeks, I took Prozac, and I think I possibly began to know what happy should be. My life became sorted. I learnt to drive, went back to college, met Rod and got a teaching degree. 

I love Rod with all my heart. I have had my happiest ever moments with him. I know he will never leave me, never hurt me. He does everything he can to make my life stress free. And yet...I still have this darkness, this waiting for everything to go wrong.

But I bet if you met me, you wouldn't have a clue I felt like this. I use the best mask possible. Humour. Laughter. I joke all the time. I am sharp, witty. It was the best tool I had when teaching.

So there we have it. That's me to date